LXX. Don’t Fail the Midterm
November 5th, 2006
You’ve weighed the issues, seriously considered the candidates, and are ready to perform your civic duty by casting your ballot in today’s excruciatingly important midterm elections.
That is, about fifty percent of you are ready, according to most polls. The other half are apparently more concerned with who you’ll vote for on tonight’s riveting episode of “Dancing with the Stars.â€
Shamefully, for some Americans, whether football great Emmitt Smith
will take down “Saved by the Bell’s†Mario Lopez
is of greater importance than the war in Iraq, health care or an increased minimum wage, which I figure people who are really into watching “Dancing with the Stars†are uneducated enough to be making.
Personally, I wish I could vote to send Mario Lopez to Iraq to search the roadsides for IEDs, but sadly, that’s not on the ballot.
But don’t you see? These races are so close your vote could actually make a difference! And unlike “Dancing with the Stars,†this election isn’t even boring! There’s a backdrop of powerful explosions,
outrageous sex scandals,
Star Wars caliber villains—
it’s like a blockbuster Hollywood movie, with an equally blockbuster budget, if you factor in the billions of dollars spent on childish, exaggerated, and in many cases evil political ads you’ve been seeing on TV every Tuesday night when you’re poisoning your soul watching Mario Lopez try to pull off a coffee grinder.
I’m telling you, that little guy is so light-footed he could pirouette right over those roadside bombs without even setting them off.
But I myself am dancing around the big question: no, not if Mario Lopez is secretly gay,
but who’s going to win these elections. Well, according to Page Gardner, president of Women’s Voices Women Vote,
unmarried women are the fastest growing demographic group in the country, and could sway the election. And according to my lonely, bitter experience, unmarried women tend to be a shallow lot, so they’ll probably vote for the best-looking, most generous candidates, and I dare say that favors the Democrats.
On the other hand, according to a recent survey of British women, who I realize aren’t voting in this election and also tend to have bad teeth,
unmarried women prefer a big salary to good looks when choosing a potential mate, so if we extrapolate that line of thinking to choosing a political leader, that would favor the deep-pocketed Republicans.
So who knows? And maybe it doesn’t really matter anyway because it looks like all the voting machines are too confusing, not working, or rigged.
All of these factors lead me to this conclusion: we ought to just settle this whole thing with a good old-fashioned dance off!
George Allen Virginia-senate-race-reeling against less racist Democratic challenger Jim Webb,
The vaguely retarded-looking but smooth-footed Missouri Republican Senator Jim Talent in a Lambada battle with fiery state comptroller Claire McCaskill…
…yeah, I’d watch that, and vote on it. Hell, this is America, unless you’re a goddamn commie pinko, who wouldn’t? Hey, I wonder if the fact that conservative nitwit Tucker Carlson got voted off “Dancing with the Stars†first this season bodes well for Democrats? Certainly no unmarried women would be interested in that fruitcake, no matter how rich his parents are.
Oh, if any casting directors from “Dancing with the Stars†are reading, I’m available for next season. Love your show…
DON’T FORGET TO VOTE!!! (unless you plan on voting Republican)
1,415 Responses to “LXX. Don’t Fail the Midterm”
Trackbacks/Pingbacks