II. L.A. will be Awesome!
August 12th, 2005
Now that I have returned to The Stardust Rodeo, I fully intend on taking you, my faithful fans, the devoted ranks of the powerful Unscrewed Army, along with me every gallop of the way. In the hypertext markup language pages of this very blog, I’ll share with you all the glorious adventures, secret and otherwise, of a television star living in Los Angeles.
Together, we’ll attend the most exclusive parties in the charming cliff side mansions of the Hollywood Hills. At these nocturnal feasts, will Adam Sandler show up with his guitar and give an impromptu performance of his new humorous ditty about snack foods? Will Bruce Willis get a little too Tequila drunk and awkwardly swan dive from the roof of Kirstie Alley’s guest house into her swimming pool? Will Bill Cosby pass me a blunt? I expect all will be so, and you will be there with me.
When I’m eating at The Ivy and Bronson Pinchot orders the crispy duck, I’ll reach across the table, fork a small piece, and let you taste it. When I’m doing the Lambada with Jennifer Anniston at the most exclusive Hollywood club, as I effortlessly combine carimbó, merengue and finger banging, my shirt unbuttoned, you will feel her hands cup the backs of your thighs as the sweat runs in forbidden rivers from your brow. When Rhea Pearlman gives me an oily hand job in her production trailer, you will hear my muted, earthy grunts and come hard with me.
Yes, as I ascend to my rightful shining place in the celebrity galaxy, you will be part of my brilliant constellation.
Let’s go. Hollywood has been waiting for the return of television’s Martin Sargent, and lucky for you, his all access pass is plus one.
(B. S.: I kind of miss Michael Caine’s 1000 acre tea plantation. So I’m gonna go check out this Soup Plantation place I saw in a strip mall on Lincoln Boulevard. I’ll tell you about all the celebrities I saw there tomorrow. Celebrities love soup.)
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